Coming of Age

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We are in final planning stages of Sam’s Bar Mitzvah. This milestone which represents the rite of passage to Jewish adulthood occurs when a boy turns thirteen years old. Traditionally, the Bar Mitzvah boy is called up in synagogue to read from the Torah.  It is a time when we are surrounded by our loved ones who have often travelled a long distance to share this special time. The celebration afterwards ranges from a simple luncheon to an over-the-top gala event and everything in between. People have been quite creative lately: a boat ride on the Hudson (also called the “Yacht Mitzvah”), a trip to a water park , rock-climbing, and car-racing. Regardless of which you choose, all are flooded with stress of guest lists, invites, favors, decorations and food. Ours will be a luncheon followed by a kids party with DJ and games. We are excited and anxious.

As with all milestone events, we are often struck by the juxtaposition of past events and how they affect  us as the time approaches.  I think back to my own Bat Mitzvah, how hard I worked, how excited I was, and how devastated I was when my grandmother passed away that very morning.  Thirty years later, I can still remember how I first heard the news: standing in the hallway behind my mother, who did not realize I was awake,  as she broke the news softly to someone over the phone. I was shocked and frozen with grief. As she slowly turned around I stared at her: my mother who had just lost her own mother and yet was with me, rather than at the hospital bed in Florida. My Grandma Jeannie had only been ill for a few months, but her long years of treatment for rheumatoid arthtitis had taken a toll on her heart and she deteriorated rapidly. Even so, nobody thought she would pass so quickly. Her final wish was that Grandpa Max would fly to New York for my Bat Mitzvah. He didn’t know he would never see her again.

Because my Bat Mitzvah was a Friday night service and Shabbat dinner we went ahead with our plans, and we rescheduled  the kid’s party a few months later. During the funeral that Sunday, we stood in the torrential rain, keenly aware how the skies opened up and cried for the loss of my dear grandmother .Thankfully, we were surrounded by our friends and family when we needed them the most, supporting us throughout that unforgettable weekend. To this day, I will never know how my mother and grandfather got through it, beside me the whole time. Reflecting back now, I see how my Bat Mitzvah was truly a “coming of age” experience. Although I could not process it then, this was the first time I learned that life made you take the good with the bad, the bitter with the sweet. It was the first time I needed to take a deep breath, summon all my strength, and move forward.

My Sam has had enough unpleasantness in his life, so much so that I really want him to enjoy his Bar Mitzvah. I know the important thing is that he feel prepared, confident, and proud that morning. When people have spoken to me over the years about how frazzled they become with Bar Mitzvah planning, I would think to myself “I know how bad things can get, I won’t get hung up on all the details.”  Hah. As my husband  says..the devil is in the details. I have never enjoyed entertaining or planning parties,  that is not my forte.  With Bar Mitzvah planning there are so many moving parts: the service itself, the preceding Friday night dinner, the kippot, the photos, the programs, the wardrobes, the menu, the out-of-town guests.  It is easy to become overwhelmed. Yet, I remember my promise to myself: enjoy the excitement, enjoy planning a celebration, focus on the significance of this day in Sam’s life. It’s all good.

Once again, I take a deep breath, feeling lucky that everyone is healthy , or at least status quo. That is huge. My biggest concerns are : how will Sam’s BG’s will be that morning. I don’t care so much about the number, but more about how he feels. Sometimes he feels fine when his BG’s are high, sometimes he feels so awful he wants to just crawl into bed (like last night). I am hoping that the adrenaline will boost his energy level regardless of his numbers. Also, how will their GF bagels taste since they are inedible at room temperature, will they be re-heated properly in the oven? Which leads me to the next, less important but still important..How will the centerpieces look?  Will people be happy with their seating arrangements? Will there be an early Noreaster? Will I like my hair? Let’s face it, on some level it all feels important.

15 days to go….   I’ll keep you posted…

6 thoughts on “Coming of Age

  1. Let’s hope you don’t lose your hair. I think feeling prepared is the most important for both of you. And don’t forget to drink.
    I remember when my mom’s mom died too. I was already married so it was an entirely different time. I hadn’t had my boys yet but every now and then I have this vivid dream of my grandma playing with them. She even says something slightly crass which was her nature and makes it all the more real. Anyway I like to think they’re all up there somewhere and maybe they’re not missing as much as we think.
    Good luck!!

  2. That was such a touching message Debbie! You are a remarkable person, and Im so happy our paths crossed even though it’s because if type 1- another positive from a negative ! Congratulations, and I hope the Bar Mitzvah is wonderful!
    Theresa xo

  3. My son Jakob’s BM was in May. He did great and even remembered to test throughout the day! He donated a percentage of his gifts to JDRF. Mazel tov on this special time!

    • Thank you Nancy! This past week his numbers have been horrendous, we are thinking some of it is due to stress, Did that happen to Jake as well?

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